I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When news reporters do sports stories
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
me hitting on a model
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing