For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.