Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”