Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Never let them know your next move 😂