My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’M CRYINGGG
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store