*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
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Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Hmmmmm