My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
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[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Very good news from my accountant
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*