The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines