Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”