Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Simple enough.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.