[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.