Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Stop being racist to kettles.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.