Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
couldn’t resist
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
File under excellent bookstore names.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.