Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Bobby pin
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
finally found a reasonable question
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.