[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.