[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Pot warmers of the day.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.