Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.