wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
car not found
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Well, that didn’t work.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
🔦🌙👣
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.