date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains