“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Check your privilege
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.