Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I miss this era type of pranks😭
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.