When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
next question.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My dating profile:
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates