People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it