My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
New mindset, who dis?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.