A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”