yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Those are good neighbors.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
2022 will be better than 2021
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.