There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Bed should get ready for ME
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
is this a threat
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place