my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come