Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.