Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
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I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?