Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
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Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Oceanography is all about current events
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT