What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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cats when you pet them too long:
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend