Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):