[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
12653.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates