*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.