ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Mornin
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.