3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only