Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival