Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.