Facebook marketplace is a different world
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*