Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?