“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.