A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The struggle is real
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?