I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.