I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Planet of the Apps.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.