Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Nothing.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow