Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
They got a point!
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Children of the corn 🌽
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.