Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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bout dat hot dog summer
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Yes my dude
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Beware of the dog..
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone