Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m about to risk it all
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.