super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU